Ok, I really really got abused…
50 years later … Now what ?
I had some doubts since I reached 18, my attitude towards men was already awkward and fearful, I mean fear of physical attributes, any male skin exposed out of the usual sport outfit made be crawl back and shake. Normal ? What is normal? … when your parents avoid the “talk”, normal becomes what you can survive to or cope with.
From cute and bright to catatonic
Back then, I remember we had lots of uncles in the house. We were 7 quiet girls, some were cuter and brighter, attracting the attention, being of course pleasing, since this was the rule to get some love. So, just to draw the b&w picture, imagine11 humans in a modest apartment. Adults and little girls. My parents were not very aware of the potent setup we were all sitting on.
I was the cutest and brightest. This is how I sometimes got attention from an overwhelmed mother. And my uncles liked me. May be too much. While my mum was exploding with pride of such a talented offspring, I got special TLC from adult hands and mouth.
Something happened.
My mum said I was lying. I stopped talking anyway. I reversed in an autistic-like mode for 12 years. A mess in a pretty dress.
Spiraling down
From 3, I went lunatic and unresponsive, locked in my own blank nightmare. I lost all my colors. I had frightful reactions and I avoided men at all costs. Seeing male skin put me in a spiral of hysteria. Mum had no time to spare with my hype. I had to suck my fear in with the rest.
I had lots of crazy obsessions. We females were stupid pawns, no way would I become what I was programmed to be.
Dirty and unavoidable
My mum had a limited view of the sex “thing”. Rounded up, it was ugly, messy, kinda. Something you must accept as gracefully as humanly possible. Sex makes babies, babies are great, so let’s get to it. I came to the conclusion that women were subdued to the hunger for sex from the hubby, otherwise hubby would wander away. Being in my trauma cage, I could not reason it and make my way out of it, I was stuck.
